Thursday, 19 June 2008


Children. Gotta love 'em.

Priests do. Globalisation does. Starving Africans on the telly and in the newspapers seem to. But nobody, absolutely nobody seems to love their children more than the parents in China and India.

Because in these places, little children are potential money spinners. Little money spinners that get to spend many a happy hour making garments for upmarket retailers in Europe and the US. And the kids love it so much that they work seven days a week, their loyalty and dedication being rewarded with a kickass (literally and figuratively) average daily earning of 10p. Yep, those are tears of happiness... I swear.

But, as with all good things, theres always someone that wants to ruin the party for everybody else. Yep, those pesky human rights folk have recently been turning their attention to this family values building enterprise and have made no secret of their displeasure. Apparently, a factory is no place for a ten year old child. Who knew? Instead, these children should be free. Like the children in Europe, they say.

Yes, these children should be allowed to be just that... children. No child should be working in filthy factories when they could instead be drinking dirt-cheap cider outside convenience stores, smoking hand-rolled cigarettes, directing "happy slap" videos, bullying each other, committing murder, vandalising private property, abusing drugs, knifing each other or getting abortions.


Sunday, 15 June 2008


An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking (as you do), and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a freezer to keep it in."

The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"

The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it," he chuckles. "Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oy watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a penis!"

Ah, bless the Irish (hi Mom and Dad)! I sure love stereotypes and personally wouldnt be able to get through my day without playing on them, but sadly one of my favourites, namely the Irish stereotype has been seriously damaged this past week. And its all down to a little thing called the Lisbon Treaty. Or rather, a referendum concerning it in Ireland.

A solid NO to this treaty sent a clear signal to Brussels. You know, the place that has the same name as those funny tasting green things we as kids were forced to eat over Christmas. The same place that has an uncanny ability, like the sprout, to play havoc with accumulated gastrointestinal gas. The same place that makes silly rules and regulations for the rest of us to obediently, blindly follow.

Dont get me wrong, I for one love the way that criminals seem to have more human rights and a better life than I do. I love the way that children can literally get away with murder. I love the way that the UK subsidises the richest farmers in Europe. I love the way that I am required to speak several languages merely to understand what the fudge people are saying on the bus, and I especially love the way that the road I use on my way home resembles a homeless gypsey persons convention these days.

But sometimes, just sometimes, despite appearing ungrateful for all these blessings, there comes a time when we have to say: enough is enough.

Well, the Irish did just that... and by doing so:


Wednesday, 4 June 2008


Ahhhhh.... global crises.

Gone are the days when all we had to worry about was peace in the Middle East or the Russian commie-bastards nuking us all to hell.

These days we have a whole lot more to worry about. From Generals in Burma, Chinese beating the crap out of Tibet, the sky-rocketing price of oil, AIDS, Iranian nuclear capabilities, North Korean madness, the global warming myth to my personal favourite... FOOD SHORTAGES.

Yeah, food shortages.

I mean the rest dont really worry me that much.... The Generals in Burma will surely be overthrown one day, China's shitty buildings will be its downfall (yeah, pun intended), the Tibetans will be free, oil will be replaced by renewable energy resources, AIDS will be cured, Israel will nuke Iran before it can develop its own damn weapons, Kim Jong Il will die (everybody does), global warming remains a myth.... but food shortages? Now that IS worrying.


Because apparently, its making our leaders weak and stupid.

Just the other day, Patrick Wall, chairman of the European Food Safety Authority, questioned whether it was "morally or ethically correct" to be feeding grain to animals while people starve. Speaking to the Times, he argued that it's time to end the EU ban on the use of animal remains to feed livestock. Because lifting the ban would allow grain to be diverted to millions of starving people.

Sounds good, right?? Yeah, except the ban on using animal remains to feed livestock was enforced because this practice was linked to a little thing called BSE:

Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy (BSE), commonly known as Mad-Cow Disease (MCD), a fatal, neurodegenerative disease in cattle, that causes a spongy degeneration in the brain and spinal cord and also causes red eyes. BSE has a long incubation period, about 4 years, usually affecting adult cattle at a peak age onset of four to five years, all breeds being equally susceptible. In the United Kingdom, the country worst affected, more than 179,000 cattle have been infected and 4.4 million slaughtered during the eradication programme.

So according to Captain Numbnuts, the best way to tackle starvation is to run the risk or removing yet another food source from the pitiful equation while turning the rest of us into froth foaming-from-the-mouth vegetables. Bollocks. Pure bollocks. Dont listen to that muppet.

Instead, listen to me. I have the solution!! Look at the picture below:

WHOA!! Thats a whole lot of kids, right? In fact, every damn photo appeal for the starving that I see involves some woman surrounded by enough kids to form her own damn tribe.

And kids dont come from nowhere do they?? Nope. Despite what your parents may or may not have told you, some solid, sweaty, heavy, heated, horizontal-monkey-dance graft is required to make one of those lil tykes!! And that requires energy. Lots of it. And where do humans get energy from? Thats right. FOOD.

And kids? Kids need food to grow. Kids grow to be adults, adults that perform the horizontal-monkey-dance, which creates more kids, which then swells the worlds population, which ultimately consumes more food.

So is it right to feed these people??


For you see, the answer to this whole sorry saga is a simple one: