Friday, 30 May 2008


Like a cheap imitation, Arsezanian version of Braveheart, the esteemed leader of South Africa, Thabo Mbeki has in a letter loudly proclaimed:

"Africa- this is my frikkin Africa!"

OK, OK, so he didnt really use those words, but it was damn close!

"According to a US official quoted by Washington Post columnist Michael Gerson, Mbeki slammed the US, "in a text packed with exclamation points", for taking sides against President Robert Mugabe and disrespecting the views of the Zimbabwean people."He said it was not our business," Gerson quotes the unnamed official as saying, and "to butt out, that Africa belongs to him".

Now, the more observant types amongst you may have noticed that he addressed this letter to the President of the United States of America. Yeah, to a little guy called George W Bush, more affectionately known as "The Most Powerful Man in the World". Not exactly Mbekis most inspiring move then, huh?

Especially when you bear in mind that President Bush has tripled U.S. assistance to Africa over the past four years to $3.2 billion. Then, in June 2005, the President also announced that the U.S. would spend an additional $674 million on African aid. (Compare that to Chinas harmful relationships with despots the continent over and their subsequent bankrolling of genocides in these countries).

And then of course, there is the fact that the US currently has 4,075 nuclear warheads at its disposal. Naturally, nothing compared to South Africas large nuclear arsenal consisting of exactly ZERO nukes. But better to be safe, right? So my advice to to the South African President is:


Damn, I sure love "quiet diplomacy".


Thursday, 29 May 2008


THIS JUST IN. News from Africa's "bastion of civilisation" (also known as "Zimbabwe" to the non-Zanu-PF supporters)...

Grace Mugabe, the wife of Comrade Bob has come out in full support of him and has made it quite clear to the opposition and their supporters that Robert will not step aside, no matter what the outcome of the election... unless it is for another fellow Zanu-PF candidate.

"Even if people vote for the MDC, Morgan Tsvangirai will never step foot inside State House," she said after meeting victims of political violence that has rocked Zimbabwe since the first round of voting on March 29."He will only get to hear about what it looks like inside State House from people who have been there. Even if Baba (Mugabe) loses, he will only leave State House to make way for someone from ZANU-PF."

Oh dear. Not a very good sign before a controversial run-off election. Naturally, the rest of the world (and indeed the rest of Africa too) is quite outraged. So outraged that they will be doing....


Except maybe, just maybe write a nasty-worded letter to Robert asking him politely to stop misbehaving. Or maybe even say something negative about the Southern African region and its leaders to a newspaper reporter and then sit back, wiping their sweat covered brows, believing that utopia will imminently arrive in Africa now that they have valiantly done their utmost to resolve the situation. Who could blame them? Apparently this works... as thriving Third World democracies throughout the world testify.

But maybe Im getting ahead of myself here. I mean c'mon- all Mugabe did was rig an election and then force a run-off, right? Thats not so bad, is it? George W Bush allegedly did it. OK, so he did it without the senseless murders. Not that it matters in Zimbabwe- theres loads of 'em left after all. Heck, not even AIDS could dent their numbers. And even if it did matter, it wouldnt matter for long. Because after the run-off, democracy will surely be restored, the streams will surely turn to syrup, the pink sky will be filled with fluffy, puffy candy floss clouds and unicorns will happily skip over rainbows. Then all will be right with the world and the lives lost will be forgotten in the euphoria of freedom. Why? Because thats what happens. Walt Disney movies tell us so.

The only problem is, last time I watched a Walt Disney movie, I dont remember a frikkin Chinese registered ship transporting a WWIII sized shipment of weapons to a politically unstable country. Luckily for the oppressed people of Zimbabwe, the West has shown strong leadership and made it very clear to both China as well as the corrupt leadership in South Africa and Zimbabwe that this situation will not be allowed to continue to develop by playing their strongest hand yet:


Instead, they have left it to the people, the electorate to deal with the matter. On the one hand, the various unions refused to unload the arms shipment. Good on them- they showed more balls than ANY of the leaders the world over have shown thus far. And that says something, because Im not much of a supporter of mass labour movements at the best of times.

However, not all ideas are good ideas when it comes to leaving the electorate to clean up a weak, stupid governments mess. Just ask the refugees and illegal immigrants that were involuntarily turned into beaten barbeque kebabs last week after township opportunists and closet-case criminals decided to take border control to a whole new level.

The situation is clearly out of control.

But apparently we have bigger things to worry about right now....