STARVATION OR SALVATION

Ahhhhh.... global crises.

Gone are the days when all we had to worry about was peace in the Middle East or the Russian commie-bastards nuking us all to hell.

These days we have a whole lot more to worry about. From Generals in Burma, Chinese beating the crap out of Tibet, the sky-rocketing price of oil, AIDS, Iranian nuclear capabilities, North Korean madness, the global warming myth to my personal favourite... FOOD SHORTAGES.

Yeah, food shortages.

I mean the rest dont really worry me that much.... The Generals in Burma will surely be overthrown one day, China's shitty buildings will be its downfall (yeah, pun intended), the Tibetans will be free, oil will be replaced by renewable energy resources, AIDS will be cured, Israel will nuke Iran before it can develop its own damn weapons, Kim Jong Il will die (everybody does), global warming remains a myth.... but food shortages? Now that IS worrying.

WHY?

Because apparently, its making our leaders weak and stupid.

Just the other day, Patrick Wall, chairman of the European Food Safety Authority, questioned whether it was "morally or ethically correct" to be feeding grain to animals while people starve. Speaking to the Times, he argued that it's time to end the EU ban on the use of animal remains to feed livestock. Because lifting the ban would allow grain to be diverted to millions of starving people.

Sounds good, right?? Yeah, except the ban on using animal remains to feed livestock was enforced because this practice was linked to a little thing called BSE:

Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy (BSE), commonly known as Mad-Cow Disease (MCD), a fatal, neurodegenerative disease in cattle, that causes a spongy degeneration in the brain and spinal cord and also causes red eyes. BSE has a long incubation period, about 4 years, usually affecting adult cattle at a peak age onset of four to five years, all breeds being equally susceptible. In the United Kingdom, the country worst affected, more than 179,000 cattle have been infected and 4.4 million slaughtered during the eradication programme.

So according to Captain Numbnuts, the best way to tackle starvation is to run the risk or removing yet another food source from the pitiful equation while turning the rest of us into froth foaming-from-the-mouth vegetables. Bollocks. Pure bollocks. Dont listen to that muppet.

Instead, listen to me. I have the solution!! Look at the picture below:

WHOA!! Thats a whole lot of kids, right? In fact, every damn photo appeal for the starving that I see involves some woman surrounded by enough kids to form her own damn tribe.

And kids dont come from nowhere do they?? Nope. Despite what your parents may or may not have told you, some solid, sweaty, heavy, heated, horizontal-monkey-dance graft is required to make one of those lil tykes!! And that requires energy. Lots of it. And where do humans get energy from? Thats right. FOOD.

And kids? Kids need food to grow. Kids grow to be adults, adults that perform the horizontal-monkey-dance, which creates more kids, which then swells the worlds population, which ultimately consumes more food.

So is it right to feed these people??

OF COURSE IT IS, YOU SELFISH BASTARDS!

For you see, the answer to this whole sorry saga is a simple one:

USE A DAMN CONDOM!!

STAND BY YOUR MUGABE

THIS JUST IN. News from Africa's "bastion of civilisation" (also known as "Zimbabwe" to the non-Zanu-PF supporters)...

Grace Mugabe, the wife of Comrade Bob has come out in full support of him and has made it quite clear to the opposition and their supporters that Robert will not step aside, no matter what the outcome of the election... unless it is for another fellow Zanu-PF candidate.

"Even if people vote for the MDC, Morgan Tsvangirai will never step foot inside State House," she said after meeting victims of political violence that has rocked Zimbabwe since the first round of voting on March 29."He will only get to hear about what it looks like inside State House from people who have been there. Even if Baba (Mugabe) loses, he will only leave State House to make way for someone from ZANU-PF."

Oh dear. Not a very good sign before a controversial run-off election. Naturally, the rest of the world (and indeed the rest of Africa too) is quite outraged. So outraged that they will be doing....

NOTHING.

Except maybe, just maybe write a nasty-worded letter to Robert asking him politely to stop misbehaving. Or maybe even say something negative about the Southern African region and its leaders to a newspaper reporter and then sit back, wiping their sweat covered brows, believing that utopia will imminently arrive in Africa now that they have valiantly done their utmost to resolve the situation. Who could blame them? Apparently this works... as thriving Third World democracies throughout the world testify.

But maybe Im getting ahead of myself here. I mean c'mon- all Mugabe did was rig an election and then force a run-off, right? Thats not so bad, is it? George W Bush allegedly did it. OK, so he did it without the senseless murders. Not that it matters in Zimbabwe- theres loads of 'em left after all. Heck, not even AIDS could dent their numbers. And even if it did matter, it wouldnt matter for long. Because after the run-off, democracy will surely be restored, the streams will surely turn to syrup, the pink sky will be filled with fluffy, puffy candy floss clouds and unicorns will happily skip over rainbows. Then all will be right with the world and the lives lost will be forgotten in the euphoria of freedom. Why? Because thats what happens. Walt Disney movies tell us so.

The only problem is, last time I watched a Walt Disney movie, I dont remember a frikkin Chinese registered ship transporting a WWIII sized shipment of weapons to a politically unstable country. Luckily for the oppressed people of Zimbabwe, the West has shown strong leadership and made it very clear to both China as well as the corrupt leadership in South Africa and Zimbabwe that this situation will not be allowed to continue to develop by playing their strongest hand yet:

DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. (AGAIN).

Instead, they have left it to the people, the electorate to deal with the matter. On the one hand, the various unions refused to unload the arms shipment. Good on them- they showed more balls than ANY of the leaders the world over have shown thus far. And that says something, because Im not much of a supporter of mass labour movements at the best of times.

However, not all ideas are good ideas when it comes to leaving the electorate to clean up a weak, stupid governments mess. Just ask the refugees and illegal immigrants that were involuntarily turned into beaten barbeque kebabs last week after township opportunists and closet-case criminals decided to take border control to a whole new level.

The situation is clearly out of control.

But apparently we have bigger things to worry about right now....

LIKE THE PRICE OF OIL.

SOURCES:

http://www.int.iol.co.za/index.php?set_id=1&click_id=68&art_id=nw20080529190627447C983983

http://www.int.iol.co.za/index.php?set_id=1&click_id=3045&art_id=nw20080418152209153C935473